Do you shy away from holding people accountable because you’re afraid of offending them? Here are three ways to get past that fear.
The first method is to roll up your sleeves and own part of the problem, as well as the solution. For instance, if one of our facilitators waits until the last minute to make his flight reservations — resulting in doubled costs — I could react with anger and accuse him of wasting money. The result? He would feel judged, might become defensive and come up with excuses as to why he waited until the last minute. But instead, I could say that at the root of this problem there must be something about being a facilitator that I don’t understand. I could offer to work with him in developing a feedback system so that he will book travel in a timely manner, and then we could come up with a solution together. This openness is possible because he feels I’m owning part of the problem. And even though he’s being held accountable, he doesn’t feel judged.
Another way to hold someone accountable without being in judgment is to develop code words with the people you have regular interactions with. I find that code words communicate feedback without creating defensiveness. One of our facilitators has a code word she uses when she feels I’m not hearing her. Being from Canada, she says, “Canada rules.” Because of our predetermined code word, I am able to recognize how she feels. Even if she responsibly said, “My experience right now is that I don’t feel heard,” it would be harder to take than a gentle code-word-reminder. For more on the use of code words, see my book, “If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich and Happy.”
A third means of holding others accountable without judgment is to use a communication technique, called promise and request. You may remember this tool from the Klemmer Advanced Leadership Seminar. When communicating we often deal in generalities, especially with our spouses. But if we make clear requests and receive a clear promise in response, then accountability is more likely to take place. For instance, if someone needs an hour of my time once a month to complete a project, they might say, “Brian, I will call your secretary to set up an hour appointment once a month. Will that work for you?” Then I will respond with a yes or no. That is holding me accountable.
In addition to these three methods for holding others accountable, it is also helpful to notice our response when we are held accountable. Even if another person approaches a problem without judgment, there’s still the possibility that we may feel defensive. But if we can respond without judgment ourselves, i.e. consider the problem with neutrality and not take it personally, then we further the whole non-judgment process.
Using these techniques will improve your communication and help you develop the ability to hold others accountable without judgment.
by Brian Klemmer